As many had known, I’ve been in New York for 10 days. Nope, it’s not a holiday at all. It was my longest trip in my entire flying life so far. Well, it all started with a sore throat before my Singapore flt. Worsen by a cold n cough… and by the time I reached New York. My system broke down with a seriously high fever. To make things worse, my ear got an infection and I couldn’t fly at all. Not even as a passenger.
Well, most people are saying ‘Wow, 10days in NYC! With so much allowance to spend. Fly back as passenger in business class. You must be having lots of fun!’ Great! Maybe I should swap with you and let you experience it. Then you tell me if it’s fun. I’m tired of explaining my situation to everyone here. Are they really concern about me at all? Or they just wana find something to gossip about. And I’m really disappointed. To the one which I trusted most here, she let me down.
Alone, sick, cold, depressed was what I am initially. Yes, although I’m in NYC and I love NYC. I would give up anything just to spend 10 days in NYC. But not when I’m sick and alone. Do they know? NYC means a lot to me…Not because it’s NEW YORK but because of the memories I had when I’m there. And I live my life now holding all these memories so dearly. They are just like my ‘potato’ uniform with ketchup and sour cream. I can’t fly without them.
New York… New York… My first long haul flight with JAL, first buddy flight with Joanna, first US destination, first long street walk with Genie and getting lost but still so happy, first outdoor ice skating experience in Rockefeller with Caroline, visited Ground Zero n South Seaport with June, went to Liberty with Judy and both of us waited in the cold in the middle of the night for that mysterious painter in Times Square, Q-ing at tkts for broadways, those fun shopping spree with the girls… sharing good stuffs, good sale, good wine, etc… Bunk in nights with so many stories to tell… so many complains about crew and pax… so many laughters n tears to share… so many encouragements and advice to hear…so many shoulders to lean on… so many facial to do… so many spongebob, tbs, mtv to watch… smuggled Baileys to have a sweeter night…woke up early just to have hotcakes big breakfast with the excuse of a morning walk… jo n des’s fav parfait.. hugs which is never to many esp with June and so many many more and it was also my last destination with JAL together with Joanna…
I’m really thankful of what God had given me so far. And I always think there’s a reason behind everything that had happened to me. To some they might not believe but I do. I’ve asked God to help me choose between JAL and Emirates. I couldn’t decide then. He gave me JAL. But I was greedy, hungry for more. I opposed him. I didn’t believe it initially until I got into Emirates. JAL suits me better thou I did complain a lot. But now I’m thinking I did ask him to help me choose again. A flying life or not. Well, I guess he thinks that it’s time I should face the real world and not in my lala land anymore. Wake up Desiree wake up! But can I handle it now? I’m experiencing so many new things here. Things which is not taught in school or by parents or by your love ones. Things which I force myself never to believe. It will never happen to me or any of my friends. Or are they my friends? It’s so drama.. so unreal.. so scary. I have my own set of rights and wrongs, dos and don’ts. But I don’t see anyone having it here. Here is so crazy. Yes, that’s the word. CRAZY! Are they human? I see they have tears, they should have feelings but where’s love? Where’s the trust? Should I still hoping there’s some here? I can’t face what I facing it now. It’s so horrible. I hate what I’m thinking now. I hate myself so much. Why did I get myself here? Why can’t I just lead a normal simple life? What’s there to see in the world? What’s there to experience? Desiree, is it all these you wanted?
Barry told me there’s so many beautiful places around, so many to see, so many to explore. Where’s the beauty of Mother Nature? I don’t see beauty anymore! My eyes are covered by people. I see different types of people. Nasty ones! How they treat one another, how they interact, communicate, live their life. The longer I here, the more I’m afraid of people. Friends, stranger, passenger, everyone….In Singapore, coffee session is usually my stories and living life abroad. I’m tired. Tired of saying what I’ve heard, seen. Tired of making it sounds amusing but actually it’s not. It’s all happening in real life and in my life. You can hear and forget but for me I’ve to face them.
What happen to my life? My beautiful friends, beautiful surrounding, beautiful thoughts.. or is it just me who create them? NO!! I didn’t create them. How can I create beautiful friends? They are who they are. Friends are always my first priority. Did I do a wrong thing? Well, maybe it’s time for me to think for myself. My sis says I should be in the first priority and not them. Many had already let me down yet I choose not to believe. Well, cuz I believe there’s different kinda friends. Friends which needs lots of communication, friends which don’t have to meet up but still able have that telepathy thingy, friends which needs lots of attention, friends that able to listen and talk, friends that can party, etc etc… hmm… if I were to filter them…… that’s absolutely not me!! haha… But what I’m concerning is ‘Friends’ here. Are they my friends? Or am I their friend? I’m so confused now and when I start to think about it. I’m getting scared. Someone told me she has no friend just ‘kakis’. Should I believe? My heart cried and sinks and even deeper when I was told to be careful of my so-call good friend.
What is happening? Why so many mind games going around here? Haiz… Audrey, help me! You are the one who knows me the best. What I dislike most I’ve to do it now. Using my brain to talk. I just hate it. Makes me so fake and so distant. Why are there questions under questions? Answers which have more answers. What should I say? What should I not? Haha… You are right sis! I’m not street smart and was proven lots of times. Hee… I wana enter all these in now… They are so real… genuine… true…Argh! Whatever! It’s all the same. I think I will get lost someday in this wide wide world. Maybe someday when I happen to see this journal again, I’ve found myself. A better self. *I cross my finger now*
dreams,
So many
